This touched something deep in me. I’ve been missing the kind of friendships where we do life together, not just talk about it once every few months. It hurts a little to realize how distant things have become, even with people we love. Thank you for putting words to a feeling I didn’t know how to name.
you’re right i had one week where i saw a friend everyday and i learned a lot it’s tough bcos i’ve grown up with a rhythm of being the friend who is always organising and based in our old home country but yeah i feel like we should just be able to get together and it shouldn’t be a whole event or just running down on life in-between i have one friend where i feel like i can do this with
but i'm trying to do more, my best friend and i usually have the best time just running errands together and going to the farmers market and another one of my friends we are doing a pilates class or some activity and others going to the park etc, im 28 and london is huge my friends are spread all over globally but we need to get together ffs!!! haha thank you for this post
I love this! I do love girls’ nights but sometimes would love to just be lil kids together and hang out because we enjoy each other’s company, not because we have to “catch up”. Adult friendships are hard!
Omg, totally, totally true. This line hit me hard “i want to live life with my friends, not just talk about it later.” 🥲 Because if I think about it, catch up meetings are the only kind of meetings I’m having with my best friends lately 😞😞 thank you thank you for bringing light into this!
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, how friendships that once felt like daily rituals have turned into scheduled performances. And no one claps at the end, because it’s just… catching up. There’s nothing new to laugh about, nothing shared to look back on later, only the retelling of lives lived elsewhere.
It’s ironic, really. We used to do things together, sleepovers, dance classes, bad DIY projects. Now we just talk about what we’ve done without each other. Like friendship turned into reporting.
And the saddest part? We convince ourselves that it’s enough. That this is just adulthood.
But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just a version of adulthood that forgot we’re allowed to have fun. Together.
me toooo I’m already organizing the most random things with my friends. I think we all crave it but it feels “childish” so we don’t do anything about it
This RESONATED. I have this one friend who I’ve known since we were nine (we’re both twenty now). Every time I see her, the first thing she says is ‘I have so much to update you on’. And then we have to listen to each other monologue on for the duration of the meet-up. Sometimes, I even prepare what I’m going to tell her in advance. As if my life isn’t interesting enough if I don’t have enough to talk about for thirty minutes, non-stop. Sometimes, she’ll say ‘it’s been so long, you must have more to tell me’. When did life become this BORING? Even when we do stuff together (last time we went swimming in Brockwell Lido before a trip to the Herne Hill food market), conversation is all about our separate lives. Why can’t we just admire the baked goods? Scream about the cold water? Laugh in the grass?
YES! It’s so crazy when you realize you’re not living life together. I don’t know how we let it get that far but we can definitely do something about it. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts 🤍
This totally resonates. I’ve had friendships gradually end bc all we did was talk about the past and we stopped having anything in common except for the past. If you actually do stuff together, you’ll always have something in common!
i never thought of friendships in this way. me and my bestie do stuff every week, or every other week. sure we catch up on eachother’s life, but we do so on the way to making a new memory, or shopping, or going to a concert, or drinking, or whatever. it’s about spending time with each other and being comfortable in their presence. i mean, i have a busy life too, but i make time. because friendships & relationships in general should be a priority to anyone in one.
This is exactly how I have been feeling for years. All my childhood friends have either moved away or are far too busy to just hang out now. And forget making new friends as an adult in their 30s. People just aren’t that interested, or at least women are not. Men befriend me often in a veiled hope to have sex or a relationship eventually, making the dynamic of course very different.
I definitely feel a sad void in this sense—
I MISS HAVING CLOSE GIRLFRIENDS WHO WANT TO HANG OUT!!
I think about this way too much. I also think it probably has to do with ambition and career stuff. My friends and I are all doing different things for a living and all live in different cities. It’s inevitable but it makes just ‘hanging out’ unrealistic, or at least, expensive. Meanwhile my partner (male) sees his friends more than I do and he moved here from a different country—so did they. Like how impossibly lucky!? It sucks that this seems to be an innately female experience. Especially since women’s friendships are much more deeper and textured (soz to generalise). I agree, we’ve been taught to prioritise different things. But I find that I also naturally prioritise things like having a nice house (not one I own, mind you) and where I work. Even when I think about that, part of the reason we live where we live is because my partner has a group of friends here. Mine are scattered about the country in more rural areas.
This is a very interesting take. It is very hard to balance individual with collective needs, especially as women and when those collective needs are not in regard to our immediate family. Thanks for bringing this up ❣️
This touched something deep in me. I’ve been missing the kind of friendships where we do life together, not just talk about it once every few months. It hurts a little to realize how distant things have become, even with people we love. Thank you for putting words to a feeling I didn’t know how to name.
this is a beautiful comment thank you, i’m very glad it resonated. the good part is we can do something about it now <3
you’re right i had one week where i saw a friend everyday and i learned a lot it’s tough bcos i’ve grown up with a rhythm of being the friend who is always organising and based in our old home country but yeah i feel like we should just be able to get together and it shouldn’t be a whole event or just running down on life in-between i have one friend where i feel like i can do this with
Yes!!! Exactly
but i'm trying to do more, my best friend and i usually have the best time just running errands together and going to the farmers market and another one of my friends we are doing a pilates class or some activity and others going to the park etc, im 28 and london is huge my friends are spread all over globally but we need to get together ffs!!! haha thank you for this post
I looove running errands with my friends!!!!
I love this! I do love girls’ nights but sometimes would love to just be lil kids together and hang out because we enjoy each other’s company, not because we have to “catch up”. Adult friendships are hard!
yessss, but we will get there 🤍 thanks for reading
Omg, totally, totally true. This line hit me hard “i want to live life with my friends, not just talk about it later.” 🥲 Because if I think about it, catch up meetings are the only kind of meetings I’m having with my best friends lately 😞😞 thank you thank you for bringing light into this!
thank YOU for reading 🫶🏻 happy to see this is not just happening to me ✨
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, how friendships that once felt like daily rituals have turned into scheduled performances. And no one claps at the end, because it’s just… catching up. There’s nothing new to laugh about, nothing shared to look back on later, only the retelling of lives lived elsewhere.
It’s ironic, really. We used to do things together, sleepovers, dance classes, bad DIY projects. Now we just talk about what we’ve done without each other. Like friendship turned into reporting.
And the saddest part? We convince ourselves that it’s enough. That this is just adulthood.
But maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just a version of adulthood that forgot we’re allowed to have fun. Together.
I think this essay just answered my confused essay about this very thing: https://open.substack.com/pub/thingsineedtotellmytherapist/p/how-do-you-know-if-you-need-new-friends?r=5hol0o&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
THANK YOUUUUUU
I really liked your essay on the topic and think it’s super complementary. Thank you for reading and for sharing yours:)<3
Yes to this! Awesome writing 💌
thank you very much for reading <3
Absolutely!!! It’s so sad that I only see my friends to ‘catch up.’ I want to have fun and make memories
me toooo I’m already organizing the most random things with my friends. I think we all crave it but it feels “childish” so we don’t do anything about it
YES that’s exactly how I would describe it
love this!! totally on board with doing activities and having lil adventures with my friends, definitely not enough of that happening.
yesss let’s make that cool again. Thank you for reading 🥹
This RESONATED. I have this one friend who I’ve known since we were nine (we’re both twenty now). Every time I see her, the first thing she says is ‘I have so much to update you on’. And then we have to listen to each other monologue on for the duration of the meet-up. Sometimes, I even prepare what I’m going to tell her in advance. As if my life isn’t interesting enough if I don’t have enough to talk about for thirty minutes, non-stop. Sometimes, she’ll say ‘it’s been so long, you must have more to tell me’. When did life become this BORING? Even when we do stuff together (last time we went swimming in Brockwell Lido before a trip to the Herne Hill food market), conversation is all about our separate lives. Why can’t we just admire the baked goods? Scream about the cold water? Laugh in the grass?
YES! It’s so crazy when you realize you’re not living life together. I don’t know how we let it get that far but we can definitely do something about it. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts 🤍
This totally resonates. I’ve had friendships gradually end bc all we did was talk about the past and we stopped having anything in common except for the past. If you actually do stuff together, you’ll always have something in common!
Yesssss! It is so important to realize in time. Thanks for reading 🫶🏻
i never thought of friendships in this way. me and my bestie do stuff every week, or every other week. sure we catch up on eachother’s life, but we do so on the way to making a new memory, or shopping, or going to a concert, or drinking, or whatever. it’s about spending time with each other and being comfortable in their presence. i mean, i have a busy life too, but i make time. because friendships & relationships in general should be a priority to anyone in one.
That’s beautiful. Glad that you guys are having those experiences. A lot of us could learn 🫶🏻
THIS.
yes! I call these "appointment friendships" and it's sad when a friend you used to create new memories with starts to become just a memory themselves.
Love that term!!!
This is exactly how I have been feeling for years. All my childhood friends have either moved away or are far too busy to just hang out now. And forget making new friends as an adult in their 30s. People just aren’t that interested, or at least women are not. Men befriend me often in a veiled hope to have sex or a relationship eventually, making the dynamic of course very different.
I definitely feel a sad void in this sense—
I MISS HAVING CLOSE GIRLFRIENDS WHO WANT TO HANG OUT!!
Ugh yesss, it can be so challenging sometimes. But I think the effort is worth it. Thank you for reading 🤍
Thank you so much for writing this!! I agree with everything you said!
Thank you for reading!!!!
I think about this way too much. I also think it probably has to do with ambition and career stuff. My friends and I are all doing different things for a living and all live in different cities. It’s inevitable but it makes just ‘hanging out’ unrealistic, or at least, expensive. Meanwhile my partner (male) sees his friends more than I do and he moved here from a different country—so did they. Like how impossibly lucky!? It sucks that this seems to be an innately female experience. Especially since women’s friendships are much more deeper and textured (soz to generalise). I agree, we’ve been taught to prioritise different things. But I find that I also naturally prioritise things like having a nice house (not one I own, mind you) and where I work. Even when I think about that, part of the reason we live where we live is because my partner has a group of friends here. Mine are scattered about the country in more rural areas.
This is a very interesting take. It is very hard to balance individual with collective needs, especially as women and when those collective needs are not in regard to our immediate family. Thanks for bringing this up ❣️